SPORTS

March Madness Region by Region Breakdown Based on My Girlfriend’s Bracket

My girlfriend doesn’t really like or follow sports. She likes to play sports but when it comes to analysing and agonizing over professional or amateur teams that don’t directly affect you, she doesn’t see the point. Needless to say, she doesn’t care about college basketball or the March Madness tournament about to get underway. I do, so with this in mind, I got her to fill out a bracket for the second year in a row and explain to me her reasoning behind each pick. I then created a region by region breakdown based on this reasoning.

EAST

STATE OF THE NO. 1: Kentucky

Kentucky squeaks out its first game, but only because it’s shorter to write than East Tennessee State. In the second round, despite John Wall’s best efforts, the Wildcats just can’t overcome the fact that Kentucky Fried Chicken is from Kentucky and it’s gross. That’s not even taking into account their matchup against a tough Wake Forest team powered by the awesomeness of trees.

BRACKETBUSTER: Morgan State

Not an obvious Cinderella pick as a 15-seed but if you look closer, you’ll realize that “state” abbreviated looks like it stands for “street” so Morgan Street reminds you of Sesame Street and honestly, how great was Sesame Street when you were a kid?

SUSPECT TEAM: Wofford

With a name that weird and a logo that ugly, they have a lot to overcome.

JUICIEST MATCHUP: New Mexico vs. Sesame Street (Morgan State)

What makes New Mexico one of the teams to beat in this year’s tournament? Our analyst says it makes her think of the cruise she went on to the country Mexico last year and how great it was. Mexico was also the place where she was afraid of getting kidnapped after she was followed around by a creepy guy in a BMW outside a shopping mall. So New Mexico has that working against them.

GAME BREAKER: Colonel Sanders, Kentucky

It’s unfortunate for Kentucky that one of their own players is going to cost them the tournament but the Colonel’s greasy gut bombs are going to be their ultimate downfall.

THE PRESSURE’S ON: Andy Bernard, Cornell

Last March, the Big Red rode The Office funny man (and Cornell graduate) deep into the tournament and they’re hoping to do so again this year. He’s got his work cut out for him in the first round though as he faces the Temple Owls who have a pretty cool name working in their favour.

THE PICK: Sesame Street (Morgan State)

The inevitable matchup between Wake Forest and Morgan State in the Elite Eight will come down to the basic strengths for each team. In the end, Wake Forest’s trees won’t be able to overcome their lack of mobility to defend Morgan State’s stud center Big Bird. In the words of our expert: “Sesame Street knows what’s up.”

SOUTH, WEST AND MIDWEST BREAKDOWNS AFTER THE JUMP

SOUTH

STATE OF THE NO.1: Duke

Many experts are saying how the South region is the weakest and Duke has the easiest road to the Final Four of any No. 1 seed. Not so, says my trusty analyst. The South is loaded with good teams, including Duke’s first round opponent Arkansas-Pine Bluff. If you are insightful enough, you will realize that the abbreviated version of Arkansas-Pine Bluff is Ark-PB and reveals their true identity: Peanut Butter. And it’s fairly obvious, my friends, that even the Blue Devils are no match for peanut butter.

BRACKETBUSTER: Peanut Butter

For the first time in the history of the tournament, a 16-seed will defeat a 1-seed. History will be made. Peanut Butter is going to make a deep run. Count on it.

SUSPECT TEAM: Notre Dame

A French-named school called the Fighting Irish? Doesn’t make sense. Combine that with a first round matchup against Old Dominion, who sound like a team of pirates, and you have a sure fire first round exit. Pirates beat hunchbacks every time.

JUICIEST MATCHUP: Purdue vs. Peanut Butter (Arkansas-Pine Bluff)

Purdue knows how to make a good first impression. The Boilermakers immediately make you think of boiled icing. It’s only after a closer look that you realize that boiled icing was an incorrect and they deserve to be compared to something better: pudding. That’s right. The simple truth that “Purdue” sounds a little bit like “pudding” will be more than enough to carry them to the Sweet 16. But it’s there that they face a brutal test against a seemingly unstoppable force in Peanut Butter. Can the Pudding’s calories smother Peanut Butter’s protein?

GAME BREAKER: Arnold Schwarzenegger, California

Does Arnold Schwarzenegger play for the University of California? Who cares. Pencil them in for a first round win over Louisville. The cardinal on the logo looks really mean anyways.

THE PRESSURE’S ON: George W. Bush, Texas A&M

Already costing Texas the win in the East, Bush somehow manages to carry the A&M team to the second round before being annihilated by Pudding. George W. Bush vs. Pudding. Talk about a no-brainer. But enough about George.

THE PICK: Peanut Fricking Butter

After sticking it to the pirates of Old Dominion by spreading the floor, Peanut Butter jams its way into the Final Four, where it will gear up to face a Sesame Street team fresh off a big win over some trees.

MIDWEST

STATE OF THE NO.1: Kansas

Despite being the highest ranked team in the country, they will only win their first round matchup because their opponent sounds like a French high school: Lehigh.

BRACKETBUSTER: UNLV

Ask yourself this: Who goes to university in Las Vegas? Answer: Ridiculous people. Once you figure that out, it’s pretty easy to see them steamrolling Kansas and Michigan State on their way to the Elite Eight.

SUSPECT TEAM: Georgetown

Will pull out a win against San Diego Street in the first round and dedicate the win to the memory of our analyst’s Dad’s cat George. But like George, the Hoyas will likely come unhinged and get put down by the Volunteers in round two.

GAMEBREAKER: Elvis Presley, Tennessee

The Volunteers’s good luck charm, The King of Rock and Roll will just be too much for any opponent to handle, leaving them all shook up.

THE PRESSURE’S ON: Nerds, Georgia Tech

Facing the Cowboys to start off the tournament, the nerds of the only technical school in the tournament are cruising for a bruising.

THE PICK: Tennessee

A team named the Volunteers? How awesome is that? “Everyone should volunteer” says our analyst. Coupled with the power of Elvis, Tennessee looks to be the favourite heading into the Final Four.

WEST

STATE OF THE NO.1: Syracuse

Makes it past Vermont in the first round because, well, Vermont is lame. Will ultimately fall to Gonzaga in the second round because Gonzaga sounds like a cheese.

BRACKETBUSTER: Florida

Strings together two wins against BYU and Kansas Street because our analyst has a friend who recently lived in Florida. I have a feeling that’s going to be overlooked by pundits out there when they go to fill out their brackets.

SUSPECT TEAM: Murray State

There is no state named Murray.

GAMEBREAKER: Xander Harris, Xavier

The former comic relief on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is who first comes to mind when you think of Xavier. Not Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men but Xander Harris, a childhood crush of our analyst. And we all know a former crush is worth at least a couple wins in March Madness.

THE PRESSURE’S ON: The Butler, Butler

Admit it, you’ve always wanted a butler. As the saying goes, “the butler did it,” and in this case, “it” is “reach the Sweet 16”. It only helps their case that UTEP is obviously an evil corporation and must be destroyed.

THE PICK: Gonzaga

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!

FINAL FOUR

HOW IT PLAYS OUT

Peanut Butter defeats Sesame Street because our analyst is in love with peanut butter. On the other side, the Volunteers totally kick cheese’s ass. Volunteers have passion.

In the championship game, the social worker in our analyst has to take the Volunteers over Peanut Butter. Also, Elvis.

THE PICK: Tennessee